It's been a while since I've written anything. Part of the reason is that after more than a year of unemployment, now that I am back to work I am having to re-learn the art of balancing all of the aspects of my life. And part has been because certain elements of my life right now seem to have conspired to rob me of my inspiration. When I established my website and my blog, they were intended to be not only sources of information but of encouragement as well. In sharing my struggles with you, it has allowed me to overcome the hurdles in my life and show others how to do the same. But lately, it has seemed like my hurdles have become stumbling blocks and the more I think about them the more they seem to trip me up. And since I often wasn't sure how to keep myself in the race I felt it was rather hypocritial of me to tell you how to stay in the race as well.

I look back on the past three months and see so many areas where I have known God's blessing. I now have a job, great friends and a good support system, and a new place to live. But in attaining these things I have left so much behind. The home for which I worked so hard to have is going away and not on my terms. My church where I felt so much a part of things is too distant for regular attendance and my work schedule too prohibitive to even allow visits- although I attend a church here it isn't the same. My family who has been such an integral part of my daily life now requires extra effort and scheduling for me to visit. And my job, though a blessing, provides its own physical and mental stresses that often leave me barely functional on my days off.

But even in the most stressful of times, I have found it is possible to find the strength and peace that I have needed. As I have experienced all of these things, without my realizing it, God directed me to an interesting source of faith. Many years ago, I read a series of books referred to as "The Zion Chronicles". They are historical novels about the struggle of the Jews in British-occupied Palestine just before the declaration of the nation of Israel. Last week, I began "The Zion Legacy" which begins the day after the United Nations in 1948 establishes Israel as its own country, eliminating Palestine. The British have left, the Jews are fighting for survival with limited weapons and supplies, and the Arab nations have rallied with the Palestinian Arabs to reclaim what they believe to be their land. It is a wonderful series of stories in which to get lost. But these stories have given me so much more than I ever anticipated.

In the book, there is a character called "the gardener". He is an old man that appears in the most troublesome places at the most stressful times, always with a shovel, a wheelbarrow, and a smile. When a group of nuns are evacuating from their convent because it is in the middle of the war zone, the gardener is with them as they walk through a barrage of Arab sniper fire- not one shot harms them and they emerge to safety, all the while singing praises to God. When a Jewish single mother and three of her four children are killed in a bombing raid, the gardener instructs a mentally-challenged but strong-in-faith man named Alfie to plant rosebushes on their graves. This man brings the only surviving child, three-year-old Abe, to the gravesite to show him the roses. When the child reaches for a rose, Alfie warns him to beware of the thorns but encourages him that where there are thorns, the roses will always come later. And when the old gardener meets a young Arab orphan who has found that he can no longer find it in his heart to hate the Jews, he takes him on a journey to show him a path of salvation for Jerusulem. On this journey, the orphan boy sees him change from a stooped old man to a strong and straight young man with wounds on his head and hands. And when the boy says he is tired and can no longer go on, the man takes him on his back and says that he will carry him the rest of the way.

So what does this story have to do with my life at this time? I often feel like I have lost so much, but in that loss I have seen roses bloom. And though there may be thorns, those thorns are merely an indicator that something extraordinary and beautiful WILL come. And when I feel that circumstances are coming at me in such a way as to overtake and defeat me, I can walk the gauntlet with my head held high and a song on my lips. And when the path gets too hard for me to traverse and my strength wanes, he will be there to carry me. I can't control everything that comes my way. But in those times when so much seems out of control, I can surrender to my gardener and open my heart for him to plant in me what he wishes to grow. In that, I will find my own path to relief.

I know it has been a while since you have heard anything from me. Well, my life has been through a lot of changes in the past two months. Making the adjustments and finding the balance has been quite time-consuming. For more than a year, so much of my life has featured many storms that have sent me whatever direction the wind was blowing. And these winds have left those around me as well as myself to wonder what I was doing and where I was going to land.

But when change happens, it happens quickly. In two months, everything has started back on a course I feel can take me successfully through this time in my journey. I finally got a job after months of rejection. This job has offered me the opportunity to renew my confidence in myself and my abilities and promises the financial reward for my success and hard work. That's not to say that it doesn't present its own challenges. My hard work is tempered by the traffic into the store so I have to be even more on target with the customers that I do have and not hold back. And of course there is the matter of my physical limitations and not allowing them to limit me in my potential so I have had to make significant adjustments in caring for myself so that I can work the hours required and have the physical stamina to my job.

In order to take this job, I had to move three hours from my family and my church which has been an even more significant adjustment. Where they used to be just minutes from me and I could see them anytime I wanted, I now have to make a conscientious effort to spend time with them. What's more, because they were so accessible for so long, I became complacent in calling them on a regular basis. Now, I am working on- and often fail- at keeping in touch when not in proximity. Although I try, I know I can do much better in that area. And spending any time with them in person requires significant effort in traveling and timing. My job requires me to work on the weekends so my time to visit often conflicts with their schedules and further limits what I can do. Special occassions are difficult too because I have to make special arrangements to be there- something that is not always possible to do. Because my family is extremely important to me, I make the effort but I often feel like I have failed them.

My new home has been an adjustment because I have gone from being in my own home to renting a downstairs apartment in a friend's house. Making it feel like home has been a chore in and of itself. Though it is beginning to feel more that way, I still struggle with the idea that it's not mine. And my new locale has put me in close proximity to my best friend of more than 20 years but even that has been an adjustment. Living apart for 17 years allowed us to develop a pattern of communication that did not depend on seeing each other often. There is a comfort in knowing that we can now spend time together but our schedules and our lack of practice has made it difficult to coordinate to do so. We mostly see each other at church but even that feels unfamiliar because I have not fully ingratiated myself to the church- though I do like it I don't yet feel like I am a part of things. That fact has made it difficult for me because church is my lifeline, comfort, and security and I don't yet feel that I have that.

Although I know this move was the right thing to do, the stresses of making the adjustments in my life and worrying about the loose ends that have not yet been tied up neatly have given me some hard times through which I have been working. I'm sure that if I remain focused I will work it all out- that's just my way. But until then I must strive to do my best, ask everyone around me to understand when it's not quite enough, and allow myself time to work it all out. I'll get there in time.

I began my new job two and a half weeks ago. In doing so, I have had overwhelming questions. I believe this job is a gift from God, and in my more secure thoughts I believe that I will do well in the job. My questions have focused around how much of my "challenges" I should share and when to share them. I'm sure I am not the only one who has faced this dilemma so I am hoping that as I work out my own thought processes that I might be of some help to another in a similar situation.

When I left my job of nearly nine years at the end of 2008, I had no secrets when it came to my fibromyalgia. The reason? I was working with the same people during my initial decline, my diagnosis, and my subsequent treatment. Although, as so often people will do with something they don't understand, they discounted components of the disorder; however, the physical evidence of what I could do years before and what I could do the last couple of years of my employment were obvious to anyone who was observing.

When I had returned to school, I kept my condition to myself until it reached a point where it was affecting my performance- and my grades. When I explained to my professors what was happening they were much more supportive and allowed me to feel OK with not pushing myself as much. I still had expectations to meet- theirs and mine- I felt free to have a bad day. I have only had one actual romantic relationship since I was diagnosed. I chose to share early in that instance because I felt it would be "cheating" him to not be aware of what he was getting into with me. Of course, the relationship ended rather abruptly but not for that reason. I can't say if this particular instance of sharing was a good thing or not; but, in my way of thinking, if he can't accept you for exactly who you are- strengths and weaknesses- then he's not worth the time investment.

But in starting this new job, I'm befuddled in thinking of when the appropriate time to share the news of my fibromyalgia with my supervisor. Although I made her vaguely aware of physical issues- my back pain because of some of the extraneous duties of my job and my ADD caused by the fibrofog because of the disclosure of medication for my drug test- I have not told her the full extent of my condition and how it can affect me. Although my reasoning behind not doing so- I don't want any preconceived notions of what I am or am not capable of doing- I still wonder if I have withheld vital information from her. More so, I am concerned of her reaction when it all does come to light. I don't want her to feel that I have misled her in any way and lose trust in me as a result.

This job offers me my chance to shine in a way that I have not been able to do in a long while. It's my opportunity to reconnect with that part of myself that gives me a reason to get up in the morning- my purpose, my success, my security, and my joy. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it. I am in no way ashamed of my condition- I administer a website to bring support and awareness for others who are dealing with it either directly or indirectly. But I also have no desire to be pigeonholed into anyone's mindset that I can't meet their expectations. I know my limitations, but I still give my all. I don't want anyone's perception of me to hold me back.

So where am I in my considerations? I have no answers. I can only do my best to prove myself in my new job and pray there isn't a flare-up that will prevent me from doing well. I can do what I am capable of to keep my health at a level where I am functioning. I can keep my stress to a minimum to stave off pain. And I can push through until such time as I feel I have shown my supervisor enough to where the revelation of my disorder will have no impact on her perception of me. That's the only choice I feel I have so I must make it work to the best of my ability- and allow myself to have my secrets without any regret.

Someone once said, "change comes when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." How true this statement is! I am a person of routines. I follow schedules and plans and priorities. I make "to do" lists and do not consider a day successful until all of the things on that list are completed. I set deadlines and follow them to the letter. So change is a difficult thing for me.

But over the past month, change has been the primary course of my life. After more than a year of looking, I was offered a new job that I am due to begin next week. The job is in another part of the state from where I had made my home for the past 12 years. I moved to a new home- though still praying for the sale of the old one- in a new place with a new job to start. Although I have great friends in my new city all of my family are in the place I just left so this is a change for me that I have not experienced in more than a decade. I am having to re-establish myself in a new church- I haven't found one yet- and create new relationships.

All in all, now is a challenging and stressful time in many ways. But it's also exhilirating to know that my life is finally back on course and moving forward. And it's scary to consider all that has changed in such a short time. But despite the challenges and stress, I can honestly say that my body and my mind have reacted to everything in a way that I could not have foreseen even in my wildest dreams. For the first time in a long while, I am living relatively pain free. That's not to say that I don't experience the pain of my FMS but that it seems to be muted to the point where I can point my attention to the things that I need to do to establish my new life. My mind is focused in a way that I have not seen in months. And my body is finding the rest that it needs by operating on a more normal sleep schedule- and offering me that respite that comes with a peaceful and pain-free sleep.

I can't say that these positives will last or that there won't be days when I feel overwhelmed, in pain, and unfocused again. But I thank God for the strength that He has given me to do the things that I need to do in order to establish my new life. Most importantly, I am finding that change doesn't have to be a scary prospect- it can give you a renewal and a regeneration that can make life exciting. And what I do know without any doubt is that I HAD to change, because keeping my life in the same place of pain, rejection, discouragement, and disappointment was too much for my weakened body and mind to take.

At midnight last night the House of Representatives, with a vote of 219 to 212, passed the Healthcare Reform Reconciliation Bill. According to recent polls, a majority of the American population did not support this bill- myself included. Although I am a political conservative, I am open-minded enough to look at all angles on an issue to make what I feel is the best and most-informed decision regarding whether to support that issue or not. These decisions follow no party lines or personal political philosophy but rather a desire to see what is best for the majority of our citizens. I am not swayed by promises or rhetoric, preferring to make my own decisions. It is in this mindset that I want to remove the political voice from the discussion and present some questions that we all need to consider in thinking of what this bill will mean to our own personal health and well-being.

The first point that gives me pause in this bill is the fact that it mandates that all Americans must purchase health insurance, under penalty of fines if we do not. Furthermore, it requires all businesses to provide insurance for their employees. Although this seems to be a noble action, think of the implications of such a mandate. I have been unemployed for most of the past 16 months, living on a fraction of the income that I used to receive. It has been difficult enough to meet my basic living expenses without adding additional expenses on me. I have even had to cut back on my prescriptions and doctor visits because they were cost-prohibitive to me. How can I take on the cost of health coverage when I have barely been unable to keep a roof over my head? From where does that money come? Critics will say that the bill provides for subsidies for anyone making less than $88K per year; however, those come in the form of tax credits which does nothing to help me pay for the coverage now. Personally, I am still able to work a job, but there are many in my situation that are not. Where does this bill leave them? How can they provide for their families and effectively pay for their health coverage?

A further concern is in requiring all businesses to provide coverage for their employees. Although I believe that all employers should consider the needs of their employees, mandating that everyone should be covered creates economic challenges that threaten to strain small businesses and create an even greater crisis than we are already experiencing. I live in a state that has relied for so many years on manufacturing- jobs that have significantly declined due to oversees competition. As these jobs have gone away, our unemployment rates have soared beyond even the national average. In creating an atmosphere where potential employers have greater expense to operate you risk losing more of those employers, making a black hole effect for the jobs that pay our mortgages and feed our families. As a result, the government takes an even greater role in managing our lives and meeting our basic needs and declines our economy to an even greater degree.

Although we know this particular bill does not contain the public option that will in effect socialize our healthcare system, there are so many things about this bill that we do not know. We do know that restrictions for pre-existing conditions will be lifted but we do not know how treatment for these conditions will be impacted. We do not know what steps the government will take to control healthcare costs and how that will determine our own care. We do not know what choices we will abdicate through this legislation. And why do we not know? Because Congress put all of this legislation together without full disclosure to the people for whom they are supposed to be working. They released only bits and pieces of a nearly 1200 page bill- not even a Cliff Notes worth of the material within.

Some questions arise for me in thinkng of this: Do they think that we as whole are not intelligent enough to understand what the bill entails? Do they believe that we don't really care enough to look too closely? Or do they not really want us to know the full scope of what they have done? Ultimately, the lesson that we need to take away from this entire process is that we must be our own advocates, diligently research anything that will affect us in our lives and our health, and make a decision based on our own feelings about what is best for us. You are your own advocate and have an obligation to your own well-being. Never stop asking questions. As you can see, I don't exactly support this bill. I believe that we need changes in our system but no one has successfully convinced me that this particular legislation is the means to make that happen. You will have to make the decision for yourself.